I want to safe this light
by locoduck
Summary: One shot. RickXOC She brings him comfort and with it, hope, light, love. He wants to stay there to bath in all she is. But guilt warps its dirty fingers around his heart and ruins perfect moments.
1. Chapter 1

_**This is a one shot for Rick.  
I love Rick. He's such an amazing character.  
If I get enough response with this, I might write an actual story for him. But I've found out you people aren't really the type to review huh.  
Let me know what you think if you feel like it.  
Please accept the typo-s and spelling mistakes, I've done my best but I'm exhausted at the moment and might have missed a few.**_

_**Enjoy. **_

**When you feel my heat  
Look into my eyes**

Rick sighed running his hand through his hair as he continued to look left and right, still not satisfied with the quiet. For some reason he was always on his toes for something to happen; it was almost comforting to find at least one or two walkers, the idea of taking them out before going to sleep made it seem as though he really did eliminate all the dangers.

"Do you want something to happen?" An Irish accent cut through his thoughts. He used to spin around shocked at the sudden noise but somehow he had already expected her to interrupt his obsessing.

He shrugged in response. Even though he enjoyed her presence, the warm feeling it spread through him was bad news. He recognized the feeling well, and he liked it way too much.

Danielle MacAuley smiled a tiny, humorous smile at him after he did decide to turn around, her black hair cut recently due to getting tangled up with a walker's hands. Even though Rick had continuously forced her to stay away from danger and lead the others in the right direction instead, she seemed to ignore his requests and he'd find her right next to him.

'_I can handle myself, done it before… And you can use the help' _she always pointed out, and he knew where she was coming from. She had survived on her own for a long time before she had stumbled across their group; in truth Hershel had found her and even though Rick had been persistent the vet wouldn't budge and after he had patched her up, didn't make her leave. Instead let her stay in his house.

It wasn't long after that before them walkers attacked.

The time on the road made that he got to know her better than before.  
She gained his trust… and probably a little bit more than that. Even though he didn't like to admit it to himself the woman had invaded his thoughts a little bit more than often. And he felt weird about it, he remembered a time that he wouldn't even allow himself to think about anyone else but his wife. He would feel disgusted as he would lay next to Lori, her belly growing with a child that he had adopted as his no matter if it really did share his blood.

They had been through a lot, Lori and he. Trying to safe their marriage in hopes for better times, sticking to each other for Carl. After the dead started walking and Rick finally finding her and Carl he had perhaps hoped that things would start to look up from there; well, as good it could be in this situation. Stuff happening with Shane had messed them up worse than ever before.

The woman had stolen his heart once… There had been a time that Lori was all that made his heart beat. Just the sound of her name would've caught his attention. She had been such a spontaneous girl back in the day, always laughing and joking. When he had proposed he had been so sure that this was her… This was the woman he would spent the rest of his damn life with; she was to perfect not to.  
Yet it was no longer her touch he was longing for.

"Go to bed Rick, I'll keep an eye out, don't worry" she offered after a few minutes of silence in which Rick had absentmindedly stared at the end of the road. He shook himself out of it and looked back at her face.  
"Yeah…" he muttered.

There had been one moment in which he had found himself in her embrace. Just a week back. He never allowed himself to grow week but in a blind sheer of panic in which he thought that Carl had run off without supervision, he hadn't known what to do.  
It had been Danielle who had ran after him and told him Carl was already back with Lori and as Rick tried to force his heart down from coming up his throat, he had pulled her against him in a kind of reflex almost.  
He normally would've searched for Lori's arms and as he melted away in the comfort that Danielle offered, he finally realized that what he wanted from Danielle was far more than the friendship she gave him.

It was that touch that he terribly graved at this very moment.  
Her smile never left her lips, she always smiled or laughed. Even if she felt nervous, her response would be to chuckle; a trait that had Rick annoyed with her a few times.

"What's the matter? You're constantly spacing out" Danielle pointed out placing a hand on his arm and a small frown folded the tanned skin on her face.

"Just… Things" he mumbled, placing both his hands on his hips, staring at his booted feet.  
He was happy winter was coming to an end. His toes felt less frozen these days. Back when they had bathed in luxury that had been taken for granted, he would've warmed his feet underneath a warm shower, and he'd be able to get a full night sleep after that.

"Danielle…" he started, sighed, and tried his best to avoid eye contact with the woman.  
He wanted to tell her how he felt. That he was sick and tired of everything. That he didn't know if he could hold on much longer, to being this leader, this twisted burden placed upon him. That; even though he always acted like it, he had no idea what the hell he was doing half of the time.

But as he once again couldn't find the right words to describe this endless pool of shit that recently took over his emotions he just stepped forward and held her.

He didn't know if she felt what he felt as he allowed himself to sigh into her warmth.  
Even though her last bath was just as far gone as his own, she still smelled good. He just wanted to hold her awhile. Escape from all this bullshit and feel all the things she made him feel without forcing them down. Without denying them.

He felt her arms around his neck, holding him close with one hand on the back of his head. But she never said a word.

Did she notice? Did she know? Was she longing for it as much as he did? Or was it just a friendly gesture in her eyes.

For just one speck of a moment did Lori almost spoil his thoughts but he quickly silenced her, there was nothing wrong with this. He didn't do anything wrong. The proximity of her body pressed against his might have been too close for Lori's liking but that still didn't mean he was being unfaithful.

"Tell me you're alright" she whispered in his ear. He could feel her breath tickling the skin on his exposed neck and that alone was enough to want a whole lot more out of this contact. He knew that with that thought he had dragged this moment way too far and by the way his arms responded by squeezing her a little closer, he knew that anyone who'd seen them knew this had gone too far.

"I'm… Fine" he muttered back.

A few seconds of silence past in which they both didn't let go and he hoped that this meant just as much to her as it did to him.

His eyes opened, however, at the sound of approaching steps and he suddenly fell back into the real world, carefully releasing his death grip on the curved woman and they both shared a look which told him – and the hope he felt worried him – that she felt what he wanted her to feel so desperately.

Glenn rounded the corner than and Rick started walking away from Danielle at the same time. He glared at the Korean kid and straight after felt guilty for the amount of misplaced hatred he put in there. After all, it was a good thing he interrupted what was happening before he had lost himself completely.

_Nothing happened _he tried to convince himself as he lay down next to Lori's bed on the cold floor. Carl slept next to his mother and he didn't feel the need to disturb either of them.  
He stared at the ceiling listening to each breath they took and sighed deeply.  
_Then why do I feel so damn guilty?_


	2. Chapter 2

**It feels a bit strange to throw out another one shot.  
But I do. Since I actually did get some reviews that the previous one was appreciated.**

I did start a f_**ew**_** chapters, I just want to see if I can actually write a full story about him, before posting the chapters. So I hope I made the people that **_**did**_** review very happy, to know that I **_**am**_** working on a full story on Rick Grimes… I do it for you three, so feel special.  
It's on its way.**

**Meanwhile, I had a lack-of-inspiration moment and I wrote this piece here. I do that sometimes, write ahead of myself so I know where I want to go. And oh well, I thought, post it, see if I can make a few Rick Grimes fans happy. I enjoy the writing, I've had knee surgery so this actually fills up the extra time I have lately. So maybe you'll see more of me… Since I'm bored out of my mind. **

**See this one shot as eh…. **_**Teaser? **_**Of what is to come? I don't know?  
Just let me know what you think!  
**

Rick sighed and stared up at the night sky. The stars were decorating the pitch dark and just then he realized he never enjoyed that sight anymore. He didn't _see _the beautiful things anymore. Sure he was very aware that he should be thankful for the people he had around him, even if they were dropping like flies.  
He had vowed to protect them, all of them, yet he failed miserably at that.

Lori had had a bad effect on him. Hell, losing the woman he had spent the majority of his life with was something he hardly had been able to get over… Had it not been the conversations until late at night with… Danielle.

And he lost her too. Without having ever been able to confess to her what she really meant to him. So much more than he had ever expected someone would be, next to Carl, Judith and Lori.

_Don't you just love the stars? _

Her voice resounded in his mind; she had called it out to him their first real conversation. It was the start of it all. A start of what he at first thought of as a brilliant friendship. What, how and where it happened were all a bit foggy, but he remembered that all of a sudden she had wrapped herself all around his being.

She gave him comfort and security, whenever he needed. Things he sought in Lori but she couldn't give it to him. He didn't blame her; really. He saw now where it came from. That same understanding made him see things clearly, and the constant guilt that went together with Danielle had disappeared completely those last few weeks.

Those last few moments they had spent together.

"I said; go to sleep" Michonne hissed through the dark, cutting through his clouded mind. He rolled his head to his left and looked at the woman sitting on a tree trunk. He didn't respond, afraid she would hear the thick grief that would most probably come out as well.

Instead he turned his back at her angrily. Not because Michonne irritated him; he was thankful for her presence as it lifted Carl's spirits in ways he had never been able to.  
But the stars on the other hand. They were reminding him of times he should push to the back of his mind completely. He didn't want to think about his best friend's death. About the mother of his children or the woman who had pried his heart out of his dead chest and breathed life back into it.

He didn't want to think about the vet and his stupid wise words he spat around; even though no one asked for them. About innocent Bethy and her damn bible. About Daryl and his undying loyalty for him… About Judith…

There had been moments before in these past years since the world went to shit, in which he had felt utterly lonely.  
But nothing could compare to the complete emptiness that held him now.

He longed for that annoying damn Irish accent, telling him off, kicking his ass and telling him to stand the fuck up, because it wasn't over yet. He missed being wrapped up in her arms and being able to throw all of this weight off of his shoulders and pile it onto hers for a moment. He missed the whole damn prison.

He missed Judith and her innocence. Her giggles and her cries. Her little arms in the air, begging him to lift her up. The way she would play without noticing the blood spatters on the back of that same damn cell, no matter how hard Carol and Beth tried to cover it up.

But there was still Carl. And Rick had no right to give up now.

He hadn't noticed that he had actually fallen asleep until he awakened with a sharp intake of breath. The first light came through. He was strangely aware of the lack of birds that used to annoy the crap out of him when he tried to sleep in, but they were always making too much damn noise right by their bedroom window.

Only a few seconds past after that realization dawned on him and made room for the wonder what it was that had woken him up in the first place.  
And then the moaning. He was up in a heartbeat and stared at a sleeping Carl but no trace of Michonne. He cursed underneath his breath as he, as quietly and discreetly as he could, tried to make his way towards Carl. He kicked the bottom of his son's boot when he finally was within reaching distance and Carl immediately was up.

He pressed his finger against his lips when he noticed Carl tense and practiced routine made that he immediately quieted down and crawled towards his father.

"Where's Michonne?" Carl whispered in Rick's ear. Rick licked his lips while his eyes scanned the surrounding woods in despair, hoping to find her. "I don't know" he admitted to Carl. "But we gotta know how big this herd is" he continued right after and got to his feet, taking the useless gun from his belt and taking it from it's safety. He had two bullets, maybe, if he were lucky.  
And he better make them count if he wanted them both to walk out of this safely.

He took a deep breath and tried to decide whether they would move in the opposite direction with the chance that those walkers would pick up on their scent either way, or they'd hide, in hopes the herd would pass and not follow them around any longer.  
However, he was about to make that decision when he heard Carl hiss for him.  
"Dad! This way!"

He turned towards Carl and relief settled within him to see Michonne's dark face staring back at him as well. And he quickly turned around, assuming Michonne knew what she was doing. In the process picking up Carl's backpack and throwing it at him.

They didn't run for a very long time until Michonne led them towards a van standing at the side of the train tracks they had been following the previous days, she jumped in it without any hesitation and Rick, for a moment, _did _hesitate but the moans in the background made him realize that he didn't have much choice but to follow her lead.

The sliding door was quickly closed behind him and for the next few minutes all that filled the silence were the ragged breaths coming from the three of them.  
He stared at the door as if afraid that the walkers would somehow have learned how to open it, but they were too far away yet to have even reached the van. He looked at Michonne who sat behind him in an much too awkward position and he quickly sat up on the seat to relief her from his dead weight on top of her legs.

"How…?" he asked her confused and Michonne grinned at him, she pointed towards the front seat and his eyes met with the same green eyes he thought he'd never see again.

"Danielle?" his voice cracked as he stared at her, afraid to move, to breath. Afraid that he once again had lost his mind completely. She smiled a small smile his way, as though she felt the same fear. But somehow she kept her head together as she placed her index finger on her lips. The moans were moving in closer and she ducked down her seat to remove herself from sight.  
The tug on his sleeve by Michonne made him do the same, but he kept his eyes trained on the – what he had constantly assumed - dead woman in front of him.

How had she been able to make it out? Where did she come from? How did Michonne find her? What the hell happened?!

He reached out towards her underneath the seat, stretching out a little to find her somehow. To touch her and know she wouldn't disappear on him. He had vowed to himself never to hope again for anything, and never to feign himself in safety. But the feeling of his heart beating loudly against his ribcage gave no room for doubt, that this was hope. He needed her to be alive in some way. He couldn't have lost both women he loved in such a short amount of time.

It took her awhile to notice but when she finally turned her head and looked at him, she noted the hand stretched out towards her, trying to reach hers almost desperately and she risked a movement and ignored a small curse from Carl, reaching her own dirty hand out to him.

The feeling of her warm skin against his own, of her pulse drumming against his index finger washed a relief over him he couldn't quit explain. Had he had the time, had he had the room and if it weren't for the walkers he would've probably broken down completely. He had been so afraid, so alone. And there she was, back to support him in everything he did, back to slam some reality into him every once in a while.

A small smile crossed her lips and he couldn't help his own appearing.

_She was here_.


End file.
